Now that the Eastern
Conference matchups are set, it’s time to start picking games. While
professional basketball is nowhere near as fun to project as college basketball,
the NBA does provide us with bigger stars, better officiating (it can’t get
worse can it?) and games that reach the 90s in scoring. Now, while it’s
practically a foregone conclusion that King James leads the Miami Heat back to
the Finals, I’ll do this article anyway. It’s for you America…your welcome.
Eastern Conference Quarterfinals
#1 Miami Heat vs. #8 Milwaukee
Bucks
Why You Should Root for Miami:
Honestly there is only
one logical reason. You are convinced that if LeBron wins a couple of more
championships he will make the receding hairline “cool”. Therefore, since you currently
have the most rapidly withdrawing hairline west of Europe, you’re bound to start
snagging some Supermodels. Frankly, it’s only a matter of time until you are
starring in a “Dove Men + Care” commercial and Kate Upton is calling you “sweetie”.
Why You Should Root for Milwaukee:
You are a human being who likes fun, and oxygen,
and all that other stuff humans like. The only reason Miami advancing could
possibly make you happy is because it gives you a few more games worth of Chris
Bosh jokes. Milwaukee is a nice Wisconsin town where people are down to earth,
like cheese, and actually show up for the first half. BOOM MIAMI FANS!
Why Miami Will Win:
They have LeBron James.
Milwaukee doesn’t. They have Dwayne Wade. Milwaukee doesn’t. They have an
unbelievable core of role-playing veterans who are used to big games. Milwaukee
doesn’t. They have a back-court that actually gets along. You know what, you
get the picture.
Why Milwaukee Will Win:
If Brandon Jennings
does this for all seven games in the series (see video below).
Final Verdict:
This is the easiest of
any series in either conference to pick. Milwaukee is under .500 and has lost
12 of their last 15 games. Miami is the best team in the NBA and has won 41 out
of their last 45. If you are betting on the Bucks, you are either the most
stubborn Bucks fan ever or on drugs unknown to mankind.
Miami in 4
#2 New York Knicks vs. #7 Boston
Celtics
Why You Should Root for New York:
If you like seeing
amazing footage of America's 2003 Mr. Potato Head look-alike champion, Mike Woodson, bewilderingly
staring at J.R. Smith for nearly 75% of the game, the Knicks are the team for
you. If you like watching the best 3 point celebrations in the league, cheer on
the Knickerbockers. But most importantly: RESPECT YOUR ELDERS! (Knicks are the oldest team in the league dating back to the Crusteacean period)
Why You Should Root for Boston:
When you consider the
tremendous tragedy that unjustly struck Boston at 2:50pm on April 15th,
it’s not hard to figure out that for the foreseeable future, we are all Bostonians.
If something as simple as the city rallying around its basketball team helps
put the horrible events of that day in the rearview mirror, then by all means
we, humanity, should be rooting for that. Pray for Boston.
Why New York Will Win:
It’s been a long time
since Knicks fans could legitimately claim bragging rights over their sworn
enemies, but this is the year they could finally do it. Carmelo Anthony is playing
like one of the five best players in the world right now (unless the North
Korean’s are really doing something
we don’t know about) and looks like a star in the peak of his prowess. Doc
Rivers trying to match up with Melo will be akin to blindly throwing darts at a
dart board and hoping he lands a bulls-eye. He’s a great coach, but this seems insurmountable,
even for him.
Why Boston Will Win:
It goes something like
this.
Game 1: KG to Melo, “LaLa
tastes like Cinnamon Toast Crunch”
Game 2: KG to Melo, “LaLa
tastes like Raisin Bran”
Game 3: KG to Melo, “LaLa
tastes like Frosted Flakes”
Game 4: KG to Melo, “LaLa
tastes like Quaker Oats”
Game 5: KG to Melo, “LaLa
tastes like Froot Loops”
Game 6: KG to Melo, “LaLa
tastes like Cocoa Pebbles”
Game 7: KG to Melo, “LaLa
tastes like Lucky Charms” (come on, the leprechaun on the box makes it the perfect
Celtic’s breakfast cereal)
Final Verdict:
Despite the amazing
inspiration the events at the Boston Marathon will provide the men in green, I can’t
see them pulling this series out. Sure Paul Pierce will probably win the
Celtics one game in this series single-handedly. Sure, Melo might try too hard
to show up KG and end up playing poor in the process. And sure, the Celtics do
possess the coaching advantage and are a veteran ball club. But New York is coming
off a 13 game winning streak, JR Smith is now a fairly reliable number two
scoring option, and Tyson Chandler will be well rested. I’ll take the hot team
over the team who has gone 5-10 in their last 15 games any day of the week.
Especially when that red-hot team won 3 of the 4 in-season matchups between the two
teams in question.
Knicks in 6
#3 Indiana Pacers vs. #6 Atlanta Hawks
Why You Should Root for Indiana:
You got to feel bad for
Indiana. After all, some Americans out there still think Indianapolis is the state
and Indiana is the state capital. It’s the other way around idiot! God, Red Cup
Staff Writer Jacob Lanzkowsky, you would think you would know these things by
now. So, maybe a first round playoff series win will help raise awareness for
the catastrophic disease infesting America named idiocy. One can only hope.
Why You Should Root for Atlanta:
Do you like seeing
people stuck in a rut they can’t get out of? All of a sudden they think that
their life is worthless and become that annoying cynic in your group of friends
a la Stan in “South Park”. Your typical conversation with this person goes:
“Hey Fred (I don’t know
why I named him Fred, there is no deeper meaning there) you see that game last
night?”
“Who cares, why does it
really matter anyway”
“Cool, good talks… see
ya later... (mutters under breath) weirdo."
Well the reason I bring
this up is because the Hawks are the annoying cynic of the NBA. They have made
the playoffs 26 times since they moved from St. Louis to Atlanta and have never
even made the NBA Finals. They must be thinking, “it doesn’t even matter
that we made the playoffs anymore, start planning your golf outings.” An upset win
of the Pacers could be just what an Atlanta Hawk’s fan needs to prevent them from
jumping off of the proverbial sports cliff.
Why Indiana Will Win:
They have great size,
great depth, and a budding star in Paul George. They like to make the game ugly
and dominate you on the glass, which will neutralize Atlanta Hawks best player,
Josh Smith. The Pacers are a legitimate top 10 team in this league and I’m not
convinced the Hawks would make the playoffs in the west, it’s that simple.
Why Atlanta Will Win:
A couple hot shooting
games from Kyle Korver and the series of a lifetime from Al Horford or Josh
Smith should do it. Losing Lou Williams really hurts here considering the depth
the Pacers have in the backcourt and the Hawks need for a sparkplug to pull
an upset.
Final Verdict:
The Hawks are built on
expiring contracts and future flexibility and it shows in their roster. It’s
pretty astonishing that they were able to grab the 6th seed with such a barren team. I don’t see the Pacers having any problems here, but I could
see the Hawks stealing a game at home.
Pacers in 5
#4 Brooklyn Nets vs. #5 Chicago
Bulls
Why You Should Root for Brooklyn:
If you are a soviet spy
looking for a team to love, the Brooklyn Nets are your team thanks to
billionaire owner, Mikhail Prokhorov. If you like your rappers to be one
fifteenth of one percent of your basketball life then start singing “Brooklyn
We Go Hard”. Or, if you like your “star” point guard to get your coach fired
whenever the lettuce in his Waldorf salad is a little soggy, pop a squat in the
Barclays Center.
Why You Should Root for Chicago:
Ok, just like the Miami
Heat, the Bulls are built for your hair crisis. Carlos Boozer, the extremely
overpaid power forward on the Chicago Bulls, obviously sprays his hair black. Consequently,
if he dominates the Nets, a ridiculously dumb looking head of black hair will
be fashionable. So if you are in your mid-life crisis and see a couple of hairs
going grey and the Bulls win then your set. Just show up to work with the Booz
Cruise look, and your friends will idolize you in no time!
Why Brooklyn Will Win:
The bottom line is that
the Nets have more talent. Unless Derrick Rose returns, the Nets have the two
best guards in this matchup in Deron Williams and Joe Johnson. Toss in Gerald
Wallace, Kris Humphries, Brook Lopez, MarShon Brooks, and company and the Nets
win this matchup on paper.
Why Chicago Will win:
Did you read that last
line? Yeah, well games aren’t played on paper. Tom “the Penguin” Thibodeau is
going to out coach the crap out of P.J. "He's still in the NBA?" Carlesimo. The Bulls are arguably the
best defensive team and hardest working team in the NBA and that’s something the
Nets can’t match.
Final Verdict:
Simply put, I can’t see
the Nets doing the little things to win this series. Moving the ball from side
to side, guarding the pick and roll, diving for loose balls, and defensive
rotations are all going to be big advantages for the Bulls. If the Penguin was
coaching the Nets, I’d pick them, but Thibodeau is leading the denizens of the
Madhouse on Madison.
Bulls in 6
Eastern Conference Semifinals
#1
Heat vs. #5 Bulls
Who Should You Root For:
If your hairline is receding
pick the Heat. If you are getting a little bit more than a “Touch of Grey” go
with the Bulls. If your hair is good but you have an absurd amount of tattoos go
with the Heat in honor of Chris “Birdman” Anderson. Or if you have an
affiliation I don’t want to know about with child porn. If your hair situation
is fine pick the Bulls cause nobody should be rooting for the Heat or for childporn, seriously, just messed up allegations.
Why Miami Will Win:
Not to sound like a
broken record but THEY HAVE LEBRON. Unless the rules have changed in the last
hour, only one team gets to have LeBron. Until that changes the Heat are my
pick. You could break down a lot more about the Heat like their position less
lineup, speed on defense, their star’s increased efficiency and so on, but that’s
all a product of The Chosen One. He is what matters, plain and simple.
Why Chicago Will Win:
I mean, they were the
ones who ended the 27 game winning streak. On top of that, the Bulls are
clearly in LeBron’s head after Kirk Hinrich made a tackle of LeBron Asante
Samuel could only dream of. Moreover, Luol Deng is one of the players best
suited in the league at stopping the soon to be unanimous MVP of the NBA. Add
in the never say die attitude of the Bulls, their fans, and their coach and you
have an interesting series. Also, I love Jimmy Butler. Just saying.
Final Verdict:
A battle between the two
best defensive teams in the league would be quite the show. I have to believe
that somewhere, Derrick Rose would just be dying to get revenge on his poor
2010 Eastern Conference Finals showing against Miami. Maybe he finds the
strength within to suit up and change the complexion of the series. But would
that for better or worse? Without getting too caught up in hypotheticals, I think
the Heat have too much firepower for the Bulls.
Heat in 5 (Heat in 6 if Derrick Rose plays)
#2 New York Knicks vs. #3 Indiana
Pacers
Who Should You Root For:
Ahh the Knicks or the
Pacers, that’s sooooo 90s. It takes me back to the days where all proud Knicks
fathers taught their adolescent children how to say, “F*ck You Reggie Miller!” The
Knicks have been swimming in turmoil for the last decade and have finally found
relevance. It would only be decent to root for the Knicks who just want to make
a basketball crazy city happy, for once, until they find something else to
complain about. After all, they are New Yorkers. But the Pacers aren’t in a big
media market, earning the lead story on ESPN and consuming the media’s
attention. So let’s break the tie, whoever won a title more recently deserves
it less because they are a less starving fan base. (Calculating… calculating)
Well, the Knicks won the NBA Title in 1972-73 and the Pacers won the ABA title
in 1972-73. Screw it, I can’t help you. Flip a dam coin.
Why New York Will Win:
Tyson Chandler can shut
down Roy Hibbert, Carmelo can outscore Paul “Curious” George, and the Pacers
have no one to match J.R. Smith's pipe (THEY WANT DAT PIPE!). If this game gets ugly and stays close and low
scoring, there is no one in this series who I would rather have put up the last
shot than Melo. If this becomes a shooting match, Indiana simply can’t account
for the number of deadeyes at Mike Woodson’s disposal.
Why Indiana Will Win:
Reggie Miller hops out
of the broadcast booth to hit a game winning 3 pointer in overtime of game 7 directly in front of Spike Lee's courtside seats. Of course Miller grabs his crotch 5 feet from Spike Lee’s face...
again. Back to reality, if Melo gets worn down by the punishment West, Hibbert,
and Psycho T put on him, the Pacers could hold the edge in the series. Also,
the Knicks are extraordinarily ordinary when the long ball isn’t dropping. The
Pacers 3 point defense could be the great equalizer of this series.
Final Verdict:
I ultimately believe
that this is the best possible matchup the Knicks could have in round 2. The Pacers
have some great tools in their toolbox, but the Knicks are that wall unit from
Ikea that just can’t be fixed. Despite my prediction, I just want to say that I
love Frank Vogel as a head coach. His strategy of occasionally switching to a
zone defense to neutralize the effects of any play the opposing head coach just
designed in the offensive huddle is brilliant and something I have been looking
for at both the college and pro level. Bravo Frank Vogel, bravo.
Knicks in 6
#1 Miami Heat vs. #2 New York
Knicks
Who Should You Root For:
Ok, at this point
rooting for the Knicks is the only reasonable path to take. The Knicks are the Cinderella
and everyone in the world will be on their hands and knees begging the Heat’s
big two for the right to kiss their feet. If you’re rooting for the Heat you’re probably the
same person who doesn’t find joy in pictures of cute cats, the gap in Michael
Strahan’s teeth, or the Toy Story trilogy. How dare you sir. Or, how dare you ma’am.
I sincerely hope the next year of your life feels as if a Dementor from Harry
Potter sucked the excitement out of it . Like the rest of your life already has.
Why Miami Will Win:
Well besides being the
best team in basketball, ummm no reason. As long as LeBron "Heatler" James doesn’t get food poisoning
a la Michael Jordan they should be fine. Actually they might still be fine. I’m
not sure LeBron could really get sick. James and Adrian Peterson are pretty
much the only people on the planet who I think I could lather with gasoline and
drop a lit match on their forehead and watch the fire run away scared for its
life. In terms of actual basketball, LeBron and Battier can contain Melo and
J.R. No other Knick can create his own shot besides Felton,
who will be held at bay by the underrated “Super” Mario Chalmers. This will lead to a lot of iso by the Knicks, which makes their offense stagnant and predictable. If only the
Heat had a back-up point guard named Luigi...
Why New York Will Win:
Carmelo Anthony does
seem to always bring his “A” game against LeBron and specifically the Miami
version of King James. Tyson Chandler should feast upon the glass during this
series and change attacking the rim for the Heat’s Big Two from “easy” to “mildly
challenging”. The Knicks do have shooters who can answer the clutch corner 3s
sure to come from Battier, Allen, Chalmers and company. Also, the most
important aspect is that the Knicks aren’t afraid of the Heat. The Knicks aren’t
going to walk into Miami and think “well, we’ve made it this far. It was a good
year.” They are going to walk into South Beach thinking “if anyone can talk
down the Heat it’s going to be us”. All things considered, the Knicks have a
punchers chance.
Final Verdict:
I think that this makes
back-to-back tough series for the Heatles. The Knicks are going to make the
majority of the games in this series very interesting, but ultimately fail to
upset the defending champs. I do think the Knicks insane willingness to switch
all on-ball screens is going to blow up in their face. I can just
see Novak getting switched onto LeBron for three possessions in a row and after
all three possessions looking at Coach Woody with his eyes just begging to be taken
out of the game and a single tear streaming down his face. Another huge
x-factor is that no team rotates quicker defensively than the Heat. This going
to lead to a lot of chuck-and-duck from the Knicks perimeter players and a disappointing
3 point FG% in the series for the Knickerbockers.
Heat in 6
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