Diary of a Pickup Basketball Player

Crisp cuts, sharp pick and rolls and rapid ball movement are some traits that constitute a quality pickup basketball game.  Unfortunately, when you play with people that do not know the game of basketball (or people that possess idiosyncratic characteristics), a pickup basketball game can quickly turn into a disaster.  Through my experiences, I can identify ten individuals who, without any assistance, can each turn a friendly, competitive affair into a watered down, colorless spectacle.  Here, they are listed from least annoying to most annoying.  Imagine a five-on-five game composed of these guys.  It would be chaos.

Top 10 Worst Pickup Basketball Players




#10 Nice Tall Guy- Coming in at the back-end is the least annoying individual on this list (trust me it gets much worse).  This dude is a friendly fella.  Super nice guy.  He'll buy you a sandwich after the game as gratitude for that above-average bounce pass you threw him in the first minute.  Maybe he'll even give you his number and text you addresses to parties.  By all accounts, this guy's an all around solid individual, yet he is ultimately frustrating.  Taking 4 or 5 offensive rebounds to put the ball in the hoop, this guy is a classic case of empty height.  Supremely athletic, quick as Bernard Lagat (pre-steroid scandal), and as lanky as RedCupSports writer and Hamilton Continental hurler Jacob Lanzkowsky, this guy seemingly has it all.  However, NTG lacks muscle inside.  In addition, he lacks any semblance of a mediocre level of basketball talent.  So, what does he bring to the table?  Well, he instills fear into opponents early in game; NTG is always assumed to be the best player.  At the end of the day though, it's disheartening to see a teammate smash a Dikembe Mutombo esque block on one possession and then have the ball stripped by a point guard on the next possession.  Maybe he should try volleyball instead.

#9 The Serious Shooter- There is no denying that this guy knows the game.  He loves to move the ball, create adequate spacing, and jolt out off pick and rolls looking to pop.  Being an elite shooter from downtown, this guy hovers beyond the arc ready to catch and shoot at any time.  Additionally, his attire masks that of a professional.  He comes dressed to the nines sporting warm-up gear, in-game gear, wristbands and knee pads.  The most important trait to note about this guy is that everybody knows him.  He played AAU ball back in the day with half the court and he makes sure you know it as he wears his old "Lightning" shorts or "elite shooters" pinny.  The Serious Shooter always hustles up the court.  He's the guy who hits the dagger three and shows no emotion.  He's also the guy that unnecessarily shrieks "Ball In" after the other team inbounds the ball from the side.  C'mon man.

#8 The Old Guy-  In every pickup basketball game, there is that one old guy who looks completely out of place.  He lacks the youth to be classified as a student, but also lacks the intelligence to be classified as a teacher.  Nobody really knows how or why he came to the gym.  But, regardless, he's here to ball.  This old-timer is a typical hustler and he knows his fundamentals a la Timmy Duncan.  He runs the floor, supplies stingy interior defense, and does not miss layups.  In most cases, The Old Guy is one of the more polished players on the court.  My main gripe with this guy is that he sweats.  A lot.  Profusely, in fact.  I'm not talking about minor rain showers here, folks.  I'm talking about massive amounts of flop-sweat.  Guarding this guy is like working in irrigation.  You're gonna get wet but the job's gotta get done.

#7 Napoleon Complex Gym Rat- To be classified as the typical Napoleon Complex Gym Rat, you must meet a few criteria.  First, you have to be short to the point that people will either question your status as a college student and/or question your status as a basketball player.  Next, you need to be hittin' up the courts at least four times a week.  The criteria that separates the Napoleon Complex Gym Rat from the Short-like-Napolean Gym Rat is that the former is pissed off by his height.  He hates that he's short because he feels everyone is pre-disposed to the idea that he can not compete.  Moreover, he is confident in his basketball abilities and feels the need to prove everybody wrong.  He's the guy that mutters "If I was that big" under his breath every time Nice Tall Guy mishandles an entry pass.  With every bounce, cut, and dish, this guy exhibits his anger at the world for not believing in him.  The problem with this player is that he's not even close to as talented as he thinks he is.  Even worse, he is overly physical on the court; his actions often lead to verbal confrontations.  Off the court, this is the guy who rolls with the hard-drug crowd.  Of course, he's the shortest guy in the group and he compensates for this by experimenting with the more potent, of the upper echelon of potent, drugs.  Real-life equivalents include Allen Iverson, Nate Robinson, and Spike Lee (back during his blacktop days, that is).

Spoiler Alert: it's J.R Smith behind those goggles

#6 Head-Fake-Behind-The-Back-Passing-Headband-Wearing-Flashy-Guy- This bro shows up with a 'Melo headband, expensive throwback jersey and vintage John Stockton short shorts.  He makes his presence known as he yells after every defensive board.  On the offensive end, he jacks up threes and when one drops, he doesn't forget to chalk up the three-goggles.  Some other characteristics of this player: he talks about Ricky Rubio, he yells when he lifts at the gym and he has family origins tied to Eastern Europe.  Hey, at least he shoots better than Michael Scott (skip to 48 seconds in).

#5 Foul Guy-  Frustrating dude right here.  This guy actively takes advantage of the fact that in pickup games, players call their own fouls.  Without legitimate referees overseeing the action, Foul Guy will ensure that he gets a shot at two points every time he heads to the tin.  If he scores from inside, he stays quiet.  However, if he misses from short range, he starts bellyaching.  He'll call a late foul, as he waits to see if his finger roll bounced in or not, to the dismay of his opponents as well as his own teammates.  Not only is faking a foul unethical, but it also ruins the flow of the game.  Furthermore, Foul Guy always stashes away a few comebacks just in case he ever gets called out for his partial ways.  "Check the rulebook," "I heard the contact," or "it was a blocking foul," are a few of the defense tactics that this dude fires back with.  Listen bro, faking a foul does not take away the embarrassment of missing a shot from point blank range (a shot that a well trained orangutang or a semi-trained arachnid could net).  Making an excuse for a pathetic misfire just increases the level of embarrassment.  As Ted Mosby once, emphasis on the once, said at the end of the How I Met Your Mother episode entitled Sorry Bro, "Sorry Bro."

#4 Metta World Temper- The situation: you're posting up against your undersized adversary.  As you back him down, you accidentally extend a soft elbow to his face.  Naturally, he calls a foul, like anyone would, but this guy doesn't stop there.  Metta World Temper, named after the infamous Metta World Peace, will take any meaningless elbow or shoulder bump and turn it into World War III.  He may verbally challenge you to a fight or he may just start attacking you.  Either way, there will be a confrontation.  Things are 'bout to get chippy if you see this fellow stagger onto your court.

#3 The Distributor-  "The Distributor" is an ironic term for the guy that says he is a passer, but spends the entire game exhibiting traits of a ball-hog.  At the pre-game shoot-around, you find this guy talking about how he loves to run around and pass the ball.  He says that he likes to get others involved and doesn't look to shoot often, if ever.  This guy is arguably the worst of them all because he raises your hopes up for a decent teammate with his empty chatter.  Once the game starts, however, the distributor suddenly abandons his move-the-ball ideology as he transforms into a chucking machine.  This dude is worse than Russell Westbrook of a few years back combined with the dynamic duo* of Monta Ellis and Brandon Jennings in Milwaukee.  Not only is this guy a liar, but he is also a below average basketball player.  If someone gags on about how they are so selfless before the game, it's a huge red flag.  Check out the dudes at the next court or else you'll be grabbing your forehead more than you'll be grabbing the ball.
Just to note, this guy differs from the traditional ball hog because he is "fake nice."  The ball hog knows he is a jerk but he decides to shoot in bulk regardless.  We'll get to this guy real soon.

Shocker: 'Sheed arguing with a ref**

#2 We Played Well But the Refs Screwed Us Guy A.K.A Annoying Intramural Guy- I must take a break from the traditional pickup ball player to address a person who can only exist in a more structured setting.  This dude is usually found on the intramural courts.  His team is probably a collection of computer science majors who haven't played ball since Space Jam hit the top of the charts.  These guys confuse Michael Jordan with Michael Jackson, Raymond Felton with the classic sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond and the the baseline with the three point line.  Clearly, they should not be anywhere near a basketball court, but they help you with homework and they want to play, so you give them a shot.  Of course, this guy's frustration is merited but that doesn't give him the right to berate the refs.  After a 63-17 loss at the hands of Phi Psi (shout out to my boy Wayne), this bro (scoring 17 points on 7-29 shooting) will claim that "we could've won if we got a few more calls."  Really?!  This guy is so annoying because he constantly complains throughout the game.  Any, and i mean ANY, call that goes against his team will set Annoying Intramural Guy into a fit of rage.  Take some responsibility, man.  Give the poor refs a break.  Your team sucks.

#1 The Egocentric Ball Hog- My #1 is pretty predictable.  Can't go any other route than the traditional ball hog type.  This guy has haunted pickup courts for years.  You know which guy is The Egocentric Ball Hog 30-40 seconds after tip-off.  This dude will snag a long board, run the length of the court, and then stop at a dime and release.  Eventually, the mayhem gets to a point where everyone and their grandma knows that this kid is gonna launch.  There's really not much to say about this guy.  Everyone knows the type. And just a side, a good basketball player can not qualify for this title.  If the dude is in his groove, knocking down treys and such, let him roll.  If he's taken your teams' first twelve shots and hit one, then yeah, you have a classic case of a hog on your hands.  

Does Kobe fit this description?

*If these guys somehow remain teammates next year, I'm taking the over on the amount of punches thrown set at 3.5 (with the tension coming due to arguments over the allocation of shot attempts).

**Rasheed Wallace set the NBA single-season record for technical fouls with a robust 41 technicals over a span of 80 games in the 2000-2001 season.  That's an average of over 1/2 per game!

So which one are you?  Do you fit into a stereotype above?  Many deny the fact that they fit into one of these generalizations but upon a prolonged stare into the mirror, they will realize that they are part of the problem.  Essentially, I am advocating for large-scale reformation of the style and level of play in pickup games.

On second thought, maybe I'm just wining about other people wining.