ESPN's Bottom Line - Version 2.0

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Super Bowl Sunday Stereotypes

So I've already talked about why the Monday after Super Bowl Sunday needs to be a National Holiday.  Unfortunately though, the NFL, the President, Congress, and the petite, balding man with a neck beard named Franklin who stole my roommates' detergent (heard he's got some sway) completely disregarded my argument.  Or maybe they just glossed over my piece and didn't understand the main point.  Or perhaps they are not well versed in comprehension of the written word (definitely Franklin's problem).  Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that, despite my best efforts, the Monday after the Super Bowl is still a workday.

However, that doesn't mean we can't enjoy the festivities of Super Bowl Sunday.  Well, unless these people ruin the party.  You all know who I'm talking about.  Just your standard, run-of-the-mill hooligans.  The gang, if you will.  Some are entertaining.  Some will bring Entenmann's.  And some are breaking and entering.  But overall, you wouldn't have it any other way.

10 People You Will See at Your Super Bowl Party


10.  Wing Guy: Now Wing Guy is much more than just a sloppy eater, folks.  This guy takes it to another level.  Simply pulverizes meat.  And let me tell you, he doesn't do it with eloquence or grace.  Wing Guy goes after his prey like a cheetah goes after a gazelle.  Bones, boneless, buffalo, honey barbecue, regular barbecue- this guy could care less.  He'll eat whatever you put in front of him.  The downside of this guy though is that he will pay no attention to the game.  If you're sitting next to Wing Guy you won't have an in game companion to chat with about the actual game itself.  In fact, Wing Guy usually has no sense of what the score is or what quarter the game's in.  Bro's face down funneling meat.  Can't blame him though, right?  Guy's just living life.

Oh, and please don't offer him a napkin.  Don't disrespect the game.

(Note: Wing Guy is not to be confused with "Wang Guy" from "The Blitz" episode of How I Met Your Mother.  Takes some real stones to send your unmentionables out to a complete stranger.  Okay that was a cheap shot.  But, man, that guy was cool.)
Not gonna lie.  Buffalo Sauce in the shape of the USA is a real nice touch.
9.  Bandwagon Guy:  You didn't even know this guy was a football fan let alone a die-hard.  But apparently he's been a Bronco fan since his dad was in Denver that one time.  Makes total sense.  So Bandwagon Guy is real emotional.  I mean, it's all for show but he really does fake it well.  He pumps his fists after first downs.  He "can't look" when his team goes for it on fourth down.  And he runs wind sprints when "his team" scores.  Of course, Bandwagon Guy's decked out in a Manning jersey and calling Richard Sherman "classless" the entire night.  The worst part though is when he uses the pronoun "we" when talking about "his team."  Not only are you not a player on the team, guy, but you probably can't even pick Eric Decker out of a lineup.  Oh, and Bandwagon Guy will continuously talk about Peyton's 55 touchdowns like it's some incredible stat.  Listen we all know he broke the record.  No need to sound like a broken record.

8.  Key Words Guy: So this guy's never even heard of football before.  He may never have played sports before.  Bro's probably a die-hard checkers guy.  But he more than makes up for his lack of sports knowledge with his knack for deceit.  You see, the guy's incredibly sly.  He's got more tricks up his sleeve than Houdini.  So a week or so before the big game, he memorizes some key words.  "Pocket Passer," "Red Zone," and "Pass Interference" are some of the terms this guy has on lockdown.  Maybe he went to Harvard.  Maybe Yale.  Dude just sounds like he knows what he's talking about.  But, obviously, we know the truth.  The guy is a straight up fraud.  We him let him off the hook though because he's probably paying for the wings.  Until, of course, he declares that the Seahawks should "pound the rock" down two scores late in the 4th.  Or when he asks why the guys wearing the "zebra stripes" aren't trying to stop the opposition.  Or when he asks how "that yellow line" is being moved around the field so quickly.  Just noob city.  You see, Key Words Guy always runs the risk of using his words in the wrong context.  Then he's gotta go.  

7.  Boxes Guy- You know the classic tradition at Super Bowl parties where everyone puts in a few bucks for a few boxes?  I'm not gonna explain how the whole thing works so if you have no idea what I'm talking about, skip this one.  For those who are following, I digress.  So Boxes Guy already planned out exactly how the whole system is gonna work.  He's already carved out 10 or so boxes for himself and is leaving the rest up on a first come, first served basis.  Boxes Guy is usually a huge fantasy player who came in 2nd this year.  He's trying to avenge his loss.  So he hinges on end of quarter scores and prays he gets "3's" "7's" and "0's" on the big board.  Pretty standard Super Bowl guest here, folks.

Sidebar: This may or may not have been me, as a stunningly handsome 9 year old, in '04 during the Pats/Panthers Super Bowl.  I had 9/9 as my numbers and the score was knotted up at 29 with about a minute to go.  I thought if it stayed that score and went into OT, I would've gotten the cash prize.  Long story short, Vinatieri won it for New England on a last second FG.  I was crushed.  Only later I was told that I wouldn't have won anyway because if the game went to OT, the end of game score would've counted as opposed to the end of 4th score. Yeah I didn't think that one through at all.  As you would expect, I spent that night in the fetal position.

I once met the Quaker Oats guy and he sang for me.  Like Jimmy's brother in Superbad.  Wait, no, that was Madonna.  Hey you can't blame me; the resemblance is uncanny.

6. Prop Bet Bobby- Ah, not too much better than betting on absurdly random and meaningless things.  Well, besides a cold beer and a bag of Quack'n Bites* or an old fashioned bowl of Quaker Oats, of course.  Anyway, Prop Bet Bobby is usually a real quiet guy.  You could call him reticent.  Or taciturn.  (And yeah, everyone in my family tutors for the SAT).  But come Super Bowl Sunday PBB comes out of his shell.  Guy's got his bookie on speed dial.  Will there be a 2nd and 14 in the big game?  This bro's got his daughter's college tuition on it.  Over/Under 7 times the announcers mention that the lights went out in last year's Super Bowl.  PBB's got his right kidney on it.  And you know that prop bet where you wager on what color gatorade will be poured on the winning coach?  Well, Prop Bet Bobby has brought tons of charts and graphs to his SB party, much of it his own original research, that illustrate the trends over the years and provide a baseline for this year's call.  Don't even think about telling him it's just a guess or that it's all random.  He didn't do all that research for nothing.  

          If you're telling me that the H/T outcome can not be accurately predicted, you're outside your mind.

PBB also bet the house on the coin flip.  A bad toss and he'll be storming out before kickoff never to be heard from again.  I've seen it happen to good people.  It's a shame really.  


5. Your Drunk Uncle- This may be the same uncle who falls asleep on your most comfortable couch on Thanksgiving Day.  Guy just goes to town on turkey like a champ.  But on Super Bowl Sunday, his other side shows.  By halftime, he's wasted.  He's ranting and raving about his adult male bowling league and what not.  He's hurling chips at the TV and challenging ole Gramps to a fight (I've always sensed some tension there).  And before you know it, he's yelling about that one year when Janet Jackson's boob became exposed.  Guy claims he even "called it" before it happened.  What a joke.

No biggie, happens all the time - Hooch, Scrubs
4.  Random Fact Guy- This guy is just too into the NFL.  Like at some point it just gets weird, you know?  During the player intro's, this bro will be rolling through the colleges of players.  And I'm not just talking about Peyton (Tennessee), Sherman (Stanford), and Russell Wilson (NC State for 2 years before transferring to Wisconsin).  I mean for pete's sake this guy knows the colleges of the Offensive Linemen.  He'll even throw you off guard by naming a kicker's hometown.  Then he'll tell you how many passing yards Rams backup QB's have thrown for in the past five years.  What a knucklehead.  By all accounts, Random Fact Guy is a good dude whose just getting his last fix of NFL action till fall.  But you don't need to throw out the third string quarterback's mom's maiden name.  That's just creepy.

3.  Random Guy- You have no idea how he got in.  Nobody knows him.  And nobody knows who knows him.  At first, you're skeptical but after the first few drives you realize he's a pretty cool guy.  He passes around the chip bowl without even being asked.  He compliments the misses on the wonderful spread.  And he pays the tip for the wings.  Even though Wing Guy ends up eating all of them, but that's besides the point.  Anyway, Random Guy is essential to a great Super Bowl Sunday party.  He's just a great guy to chat with.  Whether it's getting real life advice, spilling some secrets, venting about your love life, or just shooting the shit, Random Guy will be all ears.  He's a fantastic listener.  Guy simply cares about people.  Just don't ask him about his rash or he may go off on a tangent.  And remember, you'll never see him again so make sure to take a bunch of pictures.  You won't wanna forget him.  Or his oddly shaped rash. 
Used to crush these Quack'n Bites on the 7th grade soccer bus.
2.  Ad Hounds- Since the Super Bowl is known for its fantastic commercials, there will be some fans in the crowd who are more pumped for the ads than the game.  Now these people suck.  The last thing you wanna hear when it's tied late in the 3rd quarter is someone asking when the commercials are.  And yes most Ad Hounds are chicks.  But hey I ain't gonna stereotype in a stereotype column.  That's just not good for business.

(note: most Ad Hounds double as "Woo Girls" upon nightfall)

1.  Conspiracy Guy- Just not a fun guy to be around.  Conspiracy Guy can take even the most meaningless play and conjure up a ridiculous theory to explain it.  He'll claim that the commish fixes games to create interesting storylines.  You'll say that it's preposterous to fathom that every NFL player is in on some twisted conspiracy.  But then he'll talk about how high salaries are and call the NFL "theatre."  Conspiracy Guy is annoying because even though you think he's crazy, he makes you doubt things, if only for just a second.  It's harder to enjoy that game-changing interception when you look over at Conspiracy Guy and he's shaking his head like it was all planned.  Makes you wonder, you know?

So which stereotype are you?  Which one is your friend?  Which one is that guy you know from the butcher shop who you sometimes see drunk at Ruby Tuesdays?  All feedback is welcome and appreciated.

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*The story of Quack'n Bites is a tragic tale; one of a snack cracker business with boundless potential gone wrong.  These organic, crunchy treats could've reached Cheez-it, or even Goldfish, level popularity but the brand never gained steam in the mainstream market.  If only they had used the slogan I invented for them, now brace yourselves people.  "The Best Cheese Snack-em around, Quack'n Biiiites"(audio available upon request).

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