"You Win... or You Die"

I woke up today and watched the trailer for the new season of Game of Thrones a grand total of five times this morning. I swear I only intended to watch it once and move on with my day, but the replay button is just so damn convenient. (Try it. I insist.)

The next thing I did? Check my favorite source for Arsenal news, arseblog.com. It turns out "The Greatest Striker Who Ever Lived"¹ (hint: he’s not) managed to drunkenly drive the wrong way down a Danish street and get himself arrested. Also, we’re still in 5^th place. So that’s no fun.

But what is fun is that from March 31^st till the summer, not only is everybody and their favorite nerd’s TV show gearing up, but the English Premier League is also revving up for the final stretch. My life will be full of blood, sex and treachery, as well as whatever goes on outside a Stoke City² locker room.

Luckily, Game of Thrones and the English Premier League are perfect complements. Both involve British accents, compelling characters, rich histories, and an old guy who has seemingly been at the top of his game forever.³ Plus, both sagas excel in making crests with sayings on them.

So welcome to a blog post that combines two of my favorite things. With a blend of current trajectory and a modicum of past history, I will take each Premier League team and find their parallel in the Game of Thrones universe.

Quickly, a couple of disclaimers. Beware spoilers for the first two Game of Thrones seasons. Although there’s nothing specific, general knowledge of the plotline is assumed. Also, this is from the view of a Gooner (a.k.a an Arsenal fan) so all bias apply.⁴

Welcome to what is basically the Chicken and Waffles of my life (the following comparisons will be made in League Table order):

Manchester United - Lannisters

            Oh, to be on top. Wealth, success, the whole kingdom. Both of these groups know who they are and they know how to flaunt the power that comes with it. Tywin Lannister and Sir Alex Ferguson could not be more matched, no? Of course, nothing lasts forever (although apparently both these men will work to keep it that way). And of course, there is the talented villain, that ace, Robin Van Persie,  the greatest swordsman in the land, if unchained by injury. Do I even have to note the similarity in crests?

Manchester City - Baratheons

The Baratheons have long been a powerful family. The Manchester City Football Club, not so much (although they did have a significant period of success in the late 60s/early 70s). However, both, after a period of near marginalization, not only found their way into power, but into the throne room, culminating with Robert Baratheon sitting as a king, and a 2011-2012 League title. They drafted into their legions many others, especially the northmen in their rise to the top (Nasri, Clichy- as seen later). The excess of those in charge have also come to bite them in the butt, as both seem to have run the coffers dry (or dryer, because both oil tycoons and Petyr Baelish have ways to find just a little more.) Plus, could Roberto Mancini and Stannis Baratheon surly attitudes be any more suited for each other? Perhaps honesty is always the best policy, but it doesn't seem to be the most endearing.

Tottenham - Dothraki

            The Dothraki are savages, who understand little in the way of civilization and only in the way of war. Tottenham, led by their savage half monkey/half man Gareth Bale, know only soccer, and even then, they are afraid to cross the ocean and finish what they started. Bale even falls as easily as a Dothraki Lord with a scratch, and has much worse acting skills. Also, despite the little success they’ve had, the Tottenham Spurs have still never won the Premier League. That last bit has nothing to do with the Dothraki.⁵

Chelsea - Tyrells

            Oh, too easy. Much, much too easy. The Tyrells are new royalty. Upstarts in the eyes of the old families of Westeros. Remind you of anybody? Chelsea was the first major oil money soccer club. Both  groups have found excellent ways to use the fruits of other’s labor on their rise to the top. When Abramovich came in, Chelsea became a major player by buying the finished products of other clubs. And in Westeros, the Tyrells used their power to forge an alliance with the Lannisters. This has given them not only a major seat in the game, but even a queen to bear them Tyrell royalty. In contrast, the best Abramovich has been able to do lately is buy Fernando Torres.⁶

Arsenal - Starks

            Oh, Arsenal, my Arsenal. The Starks were led by Ned Stark, the man with values so strong he died to keep with his principles. Arsenal is led by Arsene Wenger, who wouldn’t adjust his tactics if he decided to coach American football instead.⁷ But even after the departure of an influential figure, (f*#@ you Robin Van Persie), Arsenal has a new golden boy, "the King in the London", Jack Wilshere. He even has his own bastard brother, Aaron Ramsey, who has played everything from left bench to right back without complaint. He's even got the Jon Snowy good looks to spare.⁸ The saga of the Starks, and of Arsenal, is far from written. 

Everton - Tullys

They are the odd one out among the major families. Not always royalty, the Tullys were just a major family who were made Lords of the Trident during the reign of Aegon the Conqueror. The Tully’s major contribution to the saga of Westeros is trying being peacefully acquainted with just about everybody by marrying into their families. Everton, meanwhile, has found its niche by hanging out just below the Champions League, giving the elites something to talk about, and then never really causing all too much trouble. Also, I still haven't decided whether being named after confectionary (more specifically Toffees) is more or less intimidating than riding into battle waving a fish banner.⁹

Liverpool - Martell

            The Martells are silently one of the more powerful houses in the land. They have a dire hatred of the Tyrells (Chelsea) for their upstart nature and intrusion into their rightful place, and harbor a great deal of anger towards the Lannisters (Manchester United) for beheading their most darling family member and her children.¹⁰ The Martells also played little to no role in the storyline for the past two seasons. That last line could also aptly describe Liverpool.

     
Stoke City - Clegane

            And what to do with the biggest brutes in the EPL? They don’t deserve to be among these eight major families, (although maybe they can hang out with the Dothraki). But Ryan Shawcross and co. do have a place. It’s called the Clegane household. If Gregor had discovered football instead of the sword as a child, Peter Crouch would likely be out of a job. Sir Alex made any calls to Britannia Stadium lately?¹¹

Newcastle - Arryns

            If you look at their respective histories, these are two of the more incredible clubs/families in history. But not anymore.
            No one in Westeros is really too worried about the Arryns. Sometimes they hold a hostage or throw someone through a hole in the sky, but it's not like Newcastle didn't beat Chelsea earlier this year, right? The Arryns don’t really do much other than sit in their impregnable Eeyrie. Newcastle feels you Arryns, them with their 7 wins at home, and only 1 away from home.

Oh and of course, both are tied to down to woefully incapable leaders for the near future, the Lords of the Eyrie to Robin Arryn, a young sickly boy, and Newcastle United to Alan Pardew for another seven seasons. Finally, they are both identified with birds, although the Arryns probably win that battle too.¹²

Aston Villa - Targaryeans

            Aston Villa had glory years, winning the league and European cups galore in the early 80’s.¹³ They even made a strong run at 4th in 2008-2009 before being thwarted by Arsenal. However, they have fallen from glory, and are probably going to be exiled from Westeros into a seperate storyline (read: demoted). Secretly, they hold a nostalgic hope that they can come up and beat the pulp out of the current leaders, but at this point they know they are woefully "PREPARED" (see what I did there).¹⁴

QPR - Freys

Harry Redknapp being too busy marrying off his children is the only explanation of how the Spurs managed to blow a 10 point lead last season. This comparison is here only so I could say that. Here’s to one more year of choking. Even Gareth "The Magic Monkey" Bale can't save you this year.

Remember: “Winter is coming.” And so is Arsenal, so watch your back Bayern. It’s going to be a fun ride.¹⁵

I leave you with this gem. Feel free to comment and share with friends.

Footnotes

1- Nicklas Bendnter, currently on loan at Juventus. Somehow he’s still on the Arsenal payroll till 2014. The only thing he was good at was scoring goals, but then again he was also a striker, so was that his job... Of course he also did this... (For context, by finishing that chance would have put Arsenal past Barcelona) http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xhhaym_barcbench767_tech

2- If you are unaware of the connotations of Stoke City, imagine a soccer version of the Detroit Piston’s “Bad Boys” except without the championships. Or a team of white, skinnier, Ndamukong Suh’s playing soccer and speaking with a British accent. Whichever is fine.

3- Can’t everybody picture Sir Alex Ferguson saying “You think I'd be in my position if I had lost a war?” Except with his Scottish accent, and puffy red face?

4- Root for Arsenal. They’re the good guys in this scary time of Financial Fair Play.

5- I’m a Gooner. Sucks to sucks Spuds.

6- Instead of Torres, Abramovich could have bought a small tropical island and just named himself king of the island. And you wonder why Di Matteo got fired.

7- This parallel, for the record, is not a prediction on Wenger’s future of dying in a beheading at the behest of a boy king.

8-

 

Plus, they always seem to have this forlorn look on the face.

9- Nope. Still haven’t decided.

10- Oh, but come on, you couldn’t see Sir Alex Ferguson totally paying someone to behead a dangerous opponent if he saw it necessary?

11- Like I said above. EDUARDO/AARON RAMSEY LEG BREAK CONSPIRARCY ALERT.

12- Falcons over magpies all day, unless magpies are your thing. Then that’s cool too.

13- SEE IT’S TRUE http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uA3YGuLmFOk

14- Yeah, this one is a bit of a stretch, but I couldn’t leave out the Targs. There’s not quite any soccer team like the Targaryeans because they just kind of come in, destroy everything, breed dragons and go crazy. That’s there M.O. The closest thing I can find to that is Jose Mourinho.

15- I openly admit to holding no real hope of winning at Bayern. Nevertheless, the foolish innocence of youth still allows some faith to linger in that part of me that believes in Santa, the tooth fairy, and Ryan Kelly missed shots.